Just over 3 months and a little over 22 pounds ago, I walked into my first weight loss meeting. I was nervous, and embarrassed. As I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time, I felt like Alice in Wonderland after drinking the shrinking potion! At least, I wish I was Alice!! I wanted to shrink into invisibility! HOW had I let my weight get so out of control! I weighed more at that moment than I had the day I gave birth to my youngest son! It had taken me about 6 months of going back and forth over joining a weight loss program again. I had tried one, the same one I am using now, a little over 5 years ago. I didn't see the results I see now. So I quit. Year after year, and pound after pound the clothing sizes got a little bigger, then a little smaller, then slowly a little bigger again. I really hadn't noticed. Food was my friend. When I was happy, when I was sad, stressed, lonely, empty, excited, nervous... whatever, it was there. It filled every emotional, and physical "hole" I had. I could step into the kitchen, grab my pots and pans, my delicious list of ingredients and create perfection! Even when I could do nothing else right in my life, my stove and trusty gadgets were there at my side. I was "Super-Chef"! My stomach and mt emotions thanked and urged me to continue. I was burying myself under layers of heavy cream, butter and Lord knows what else.

Back to my "weigh in". I sat there at that first meeting. Almost silent. Scared to death. When had I become this person? Who was I, sitting there frozen in my seat almost unable to speak or be social?? I am a talker! A loud one usually. The one that laughs too loud and hard at my own jokes, that starts a conversation with a stranger on the street if we are waiting for the cross walk sign to change. Here I sat, like a fat statue, ready to burst into tears and give up before I ever started. It was in this moment that I realized I had not just lost my previous body, I had lost my previous self! My "inner skinny" is much more than just about finding an old dress size or squeezing into an old pair of jeans... it was about finding the confidence and exuberance that I had apparently thrown in the dishwasher with all those dirty dishes and pans!

I went home and did something over the next few days that I avoided doing, I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't just look to brush my hair, or teeth or check my outfit. I looked at myself. All the lines and beginning wrinkles, the grey hairs, the fat little gobble thingy under my chin, the sadness in my eyes, the lost little smile within my lips. Wow, I had stopped a lot longer than 6 months ago. I couldn't do the one thing I hoped for doing, to look at myself and say "you are so pretty!" cause I wasn't. My husband and my best friend will argue this, because God love them, they are those people that will support you through anything. They love me when I can't love myself. My husband looks at me and only sees good, beautiful, sexy things. My best friend may see the other things but only calls me out on them when I get out of hand. They are a great support system. I have come to realize that a "support system" is the most vital tool needed when searching for your "inner skinny mommy". Without it you have lost before starting the race. I think of them now as a safety net, there if I need them, or to catch me if I fall, but I have begun to see myself in that role again.
I can be my own best friend too... just, how do I find her hiding in there?