Just one of "those" days......

How often have you gotten up, felt the sunshine on your face, the cool air on your skin, the energy in your soul and then half way thru the day BAM "it" hits ya! Nothing is going your way, you stink at everything, you have ZERO motivation, every delectable yummy treat is SCREAMING your name, and you see not an ounce of worth within yourself. Well, today has been a day like that. I have forced back tears for the smallest of things all afternoon. I have resisted the urge to dive head long into a box oatmeal cream pie cookies with a chocolate anything chaser! Truly the thought of a near coma induced by an overload of deep fried fat or sugar rolled in sugar dipped in sugar titillates me in unimaginable ways! Oh, but the guilt you ask! Guilt, you know that annoying little voice in the back of your head saying "look how far you have come to just blow it" or " Hey fatty, do you really need that cookie?" Sometimes, your guilt comes at you in mysterious ways like thru your jeans zipper almost crying while your trying to crank that puppy up over your ever increasing gut! What ever, or however that annoying little beast comes, it gets ya! So... i did the right thing. I resisted.

But it doesn't help the way I am feeling. So how do I avoid these pitfalls? How do I buck up when I can think about doing buckling???

At last nights meeting, after a mediocre weigh in, I sat there tears welling in my eyes for someone else's success. Watching the joy come across her face and seeing the light in her eyes for what she had accomplished was miraculous. Looking around the room I realized that it wasn't just me taking in her light. All the other women in the room, even those with their own accomplishments were reveling in this woman's success and she was in theirs. How pitiful of me to have been so disgusted with a measly .20 pound weight loss. At least I lost, right?!? I could have gained! I could have quit! But, I didn't, I kept going all week and drug myself into that meeting and stood on that scale and still walked away with a grin, even if it was more for the leader than myself.

So many of us have these moments where WE are never good enough. I guess this goes back to my earlier post. Why cant we be the measure of our own success, and just enjoy the small victories? Any victory is better than a loss. I only have myself to account for, no one is coming to the house to beat me if I don't weigh it at what they think I should. How can I ever accept these victories if I am always setting myself up for failure?

After venting for..quite some time... I now have a better perspective of my mini temper tantrum. If myself and every other woman was in that room taking in the joy of a big milestone, then when I was reaching mine, they were doing the same with me! I guess it is more about getting up there and trying then never even giving myself the opportunity for failure. I have to stand up in order to fall down. I have put myself at the bottom of the chore list for some time, and I have become very accustom to being invisible, unnecessary, unworthy. I know that I am gonna have these days from time to time. I know that I am worth it, I am not invisible and I am a necessary part of our family my friends. I guess I will just have to stop and remind myself of it and remember that I have come a long way. I may not have found my "inner skinny" yet, but I know she is in there. I can's give up on her, she has been trapped for way too long. Maybe my temper tantrums are just her screaming to escape!!