Sure has been a while. A lot has been happening in this crazy life. Kids are growing, activities keeping us all busy. I ventured into a new business opportunity getting me out of the house and into a whole new world. Its been up and down and in and out, but I wouldn't change a bit of it.
I hit my weight loss goal.... and then it hit back. I am up a bit from where I thought I wanted to be. Lost sight of what my goal was.... but learned that the number on the scale doesn't define me and wont confine me. That was a huge step for me.
The "skinny" I think I want to be, and the "skinny" I think I will be are 2 totally different definitions. My smaller clothes fit, down 5-6 sizes from where I started, so really I cant complain! I still see all my flaw areas however I think that is the woman in me. I will always see the flaws before the beauty. I ask myself often, "Just how long is it til I SEE the "ME" in the mirror?!?!" Do you ever do that? What or Who do you see when you look in a mirror?
Having 2 young girls in the house I have to be careful with my often harsh observations of myself. I learned recently that a girl's self esteem peaks at age 9.... AGE 9?!?! Really??? Crap! My oldest daughter is 11 and my younger daughter turns 9 this summer!!! AAAAAHHHHHH!!! What have I said, done, taught them??? That was a frightening reality for me. As I thought back to when I was 9 it started making a lot of sense. I have fought the argument of my value since I was young. Ok, so its reality... reality sucks... so how do we change it?
I know, a lot of questions today... but I think it all relates to this journey and how we can make a change in ourselves and in our futures. Til next time ladies... some skinny food for thought.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Just one of "those" days......
How often have you gotten up, felt the sunshine on your face, the cool air on your skin, the energy in your soul and then half way thru the day BAM "it" hits ya! Nothing is going your way, you stink at everything, you have ZERO motivation, every delectable yummy treat is SCREAMING your name, and you see not an ounce of worth within yourself. Well, today has been a day like that. I have forced back tears for the smallest of things all afternoon. I have resisted the urge to dive head long into a box oatmeal cream pie cookies with a chocolate anything chaser! Truly the thought of a near coma induced by an overload of deep fried fat or sugar rolled in sugar dipped in sugar titillates me in unimaginable ways! Oh, but the guilt you ask! Guilt, you know that annoying little voice in the back of your head saying "look how far you have come to just blow it" or " Hey fatty, do you really need that cookie?" Sometimes, your guilt comes at you in mysterious ways like thru your jeans zipper almost crying while your trying to crank that puppy up over your ever increasing gut! What ever, or however that annoying little beast comes, it gets ya! So... i did the right thing. I resisted.
But it doesn't help the way I am feeling. So how do I avoid these pitfalls? How do I buck up when I can think about doing buckling???
At last nights meeting, after a mediocre weigh in, I sat there tears welling in my eyes for someone else's success. Watching the joy come across her face and seeing the light in her eyes for what she had accomplished was miraculous. Looking around the room I realized that it wasn't just me taking in her light. All the other women in the room, even those with their own accomplishments were reveling in this woman's success and she was in theirs. How pitiful of me to have been so disgusted with a measly .20 pound weight loss. At least I lost, right?!? I could have gained! I could have quit! But, I didn't, I kept going all week and drug myself into that meeting and stood on that scale and still walked away with a grin, even if it was more for the leader than myself.
So many of us have these moments where WE are never good enough. I guess this goes back to my earlier post. Why cant we be the measure of our own success, and just enjoy the small victories? Any victory is better than a loss. I only have myself to account for, no one is coming to the house to beat me if I don't weigh it at what they think I should. How can I ever accept these victories if I am always setting myself up for failure?
After venting for..quite some time... I now have a better perspective of my mini temper tantrum. If myself and every other woman was in that room taking in the joy of a big milestone, then when I was reaching mine, they were doing the same with me! I guess it is more about getting up there and trying then never even giving myself the opportunity for failure. I have to stand up in order to fall down. I have put myself at the bottom of the chore list for some time, and I have become very accustom to being invisible, unnecessary, unworthy. I know that I am gonna have these days from time to time. I know that I am worth it, I am not invisible and I am a necessary part of our family my friends. I guess I will just have to stop and remind myself of it and remember that I have come a long way. I may not have found my "inner skinny" yet, but I know she is in there. I can's give up on her, she has been trapped for way too long. Maybe my temper tantrums are just her screaming to escape!!
But it doesn't help the way I am feeling. So how do I avoid these pitfalls? How do I buck up when I can think about doing buckling???
At last nights meeting, after a mediocre weigh in, I sat there tears welling in my eyes for someone else's success. Watching the joy come across her face and seeing the light in her eyes for what she had accomplished was miraculous. Looking around the room I realized that it wasn't just me taking in her light. All the other women in the room, even those with their own accomplishments were reveling in this woman's success and she was in theirs. How pitiful of me to have been so disgusted with a measly .20 pound weight loss. At least I lost, right?!? I could have gained! I could have quit! But, I didn't, I kept going all week and drug myself into that meeting and stood on that scale and still walked away with a grin, even if it was more for the leader than myself.
So many of us have these moments where WE are never good enough. I guess this goes back to my earlier post. Why cant we be the measure of our own success, and just enjoy the small victories? Any victory is better than a loss. I only have myself to account for, no one is coming to the house to beat me if I don't weigh it at what they think I should. How can I ever accept these victories if I am always setting myself up for failure?
After venting for..quite some time... I now have a better perspective of my mini temper tantrum. If myself and every other woman was in that room taking in the joy of a big milestone, then when I was reaching mine, they were doing the same with me! I guess it is more about getting up there and trying then never even giving myself the opportunity for failure. I have to stand up in order to fall down. I have put myself at the bottom of the chore list for some time, and I have become very accustom to being invisible, unnecessary, unworthy. I know that I am gonna have these days from time to time. I know that I am worth it, I am not invisible and I am a necessary part of our family my friends. I guess I will just have to stop and remind myself of it and remember that I have come a long way. I may not have found my "inner skinny" yet, but I know she is in there. I can's give up on her, she has been trapped for way too long. Maybe my temper tantrums are just her screaming to escape!!
Is the grass really ever greener???
A very good friend of mine compared me to Erma Bombeck yesterday morning. At first I was very annoyed, "GREAT! He just called me old!" I thought! But then after a few minutes of searching her on the Internet I found myself laughing... ALOT!! I guess I knew who she was, but had apparently tucked that bit of knowledge away for use at a later time, and forgot which fat roll I tucked it under! Anyway, for those that don't know who she was, she was a newspaper columnist that wrote about (from what I found anyway, and forgive me if I am wrong) the trials and tribulations of suburban life. More importantly, being a suburban housewife. She was hilarious! The Greatest quote, and title to her book, "The grass is always greener over the septic tank". HA! Funny, right? But, true? I mean think about it... why is the grass greener there... cause there is so much shhhhhh... manure!
I have spent a great deal of time looking at all these people.. famous people, neighbors, friends, strangers that have these "perfect" lives. I have always thought that they had it together. Until, they get divorced, or one of the spouses cheated, or it came out that they were losing everything because of financial problems. So their grass wasn't really greener, they just used much better green spray paint on their lawn! Looking at other peoples lives and wishing for the "what ifs" and "why not Me's" led to about an extra 50 pounds of FAT on my rear side (and every other side for that matter). It is a long lonely road! So the key must be that you have to change your perception of the grass!
Looking at the pictures of what we are "supposed" to be ~ Skinny, Tall, Well Dressed, Successful, Wealthy, "The American Dream".... What the hell does all that mean?! Who makes up the rules of what qualifies for all those things? Can't they all mean something else to everyone? Instead of "skinny" why cant we change that to healthy? Why does a clothing size get to determine our beauty? Why does a job title get to determine our success? Why does our success get to be determined by our wealth? And again, Who is determining where that line is of success and failure, skinny and fat, well dressed and unfashionable??? I am by no means rich, but I have a rich life. I am by no means fashionable, but I have nice clothing, I don't live in a big house but I have a Home. I know people with $5 in the bank with the best lives, and people living in $400,000 houses without a stitch of love or joy under the roof!
I know that I can look at every laugh, or cry line that I have on my face, every grey hair, every saggy black bag under my eyes and know how I got them. No botox to straighten them out, no hair color to cover them up, no make up to hide my exhaustion. I earned those! With a little help from my kids, and life! Just like I earned every extra pound that I am now earning and choosing to lose! I made the decision to gain that weight, even if it was a subconscious decision, and I am now shedding those pounds looking for a glimmer of what my idea is of health, success and "skinny". So, as I have recently learned with some of those people that we are chasing to be just like, or dreaming our lives could be theirs, they are not always what they are cracked up to be! Sometimes the only reason the grass is so green is it is really astro turf, or you cant sit on it and enjoy it cause it smells of bull manure!
I think the key is to be grateful for what we have, not always happy with it, just grateful. We could be much much worse off! To stop dreaming about how our lives could have turned out and start living the lives that did turn out. So I will keep my grass with all of its over growth and weeds, brown patches or spots where it hasn't even grown in yet, and know that it is bull-s**t free! That it hasn't been painted over or falsified. It may not be perfect. It may not be the life that you want. It may not be the ideal situation. But, it's mine! It is the hand I was dealt, the path I was given. There are blue skies behind the clouds, and it's my time to enjoy the sunshine... with my "inner skinny" or outer healthy, or anything else in between!
" Before trying to keep up with the Joneses, make sure they are not trying to keep up with you" Erma Bombeck
I have spent a great deal of time looking at all these people.. famous people, neighbors, friends, strangers that have these "perfect" lives. I have always thought that they had it together. Until, they get divorced, or one of the spouses cheated, or it came out that they were losing everything because of financial problems. So their grass wasn't really greener, they just used much better green spray paint on their lawn! Looking at other peoples lives and wishing for the "what ifs" and "why not Me's" led to about an extra 50 pounds of FAT on my rear side (and every other side for that matter). It is a long lonely road! So the key must be that you have to change your perception of the grass!
Looking at the pictures of what we are "supposed" to be ~ Skinny, Tall, Well Dressed, Successful, Wealthy, "The American Dream".... What the hell does all that mean?! Who makes up the rules of what qualifies for all those things? Can't they all mean something else to everyone? Instead of "skinny" why cant we change that to healthy? Why does a clothing size get to determine our beauty? Why does a job title get to determine our success? Why does our success get to be determined by our wealth? And again, Who is determining where that line is of success and failure, skinny and fat, well dressed and unfashionable??? I am by no means rich, but I have a rich life. I am by no means fashionable, but I have nice clothing, I don't live in a big house but I have a Home. I know people with $5 in the bank with the best lives, and people living in $400,000 houses without a stitch of love or joy under the roof!
I know that I can look at every laugh, or cry line that I have on my face, every grey hair, every saggy black bag under my eyes and know how I got them. No botox to straighten them out, no hair color to cover them up, no make up to hide my exhaustion. I earned those! With a little help from my kids, and life! Just like I earned every extra pound that I am now earning and choosing to lose! I made the decision to gain that weight, even if it was a subconscious decision, and I am now shedding those pounds looking for a glimmer of what my idea is of health, success and "skinny". So, as I have recently learned with some of those people that we are chasing to be just like, or dreaming our lives could be theirs, they are not always what they are cracked up to be! Sometimes the only reason the grass is so green is it is really astro turf, or you cant sit on it and enjoy it cause it smells of bull manure!
I think the key is to be grateful for what we have, not always happy with it, just grateful. We could be much much worse off! To stop dreaming about how our lives could have turned out and start living the lives that did turn out. So I will keep my grass with all of its over growth and weeds, brown patches or spots where it hasn't even grown in yet, and know that it is bull-s**t free! That it hasn't been painted over or falsified. It may not be perfect. It may not be the life that you want. It may not be the ideal situation. But, it's mine! It is the hand I was dealt, the path I was given. There are blue skies behind the clouds, and it's my time to enjoy the sunshine... with my "inner skinny" or outer healthy, or anything else in between!
" Before trying to keep up with the Joneses, make sure they are not trying to keep up with you" Erma Bombeck
Soul Searching.... Can I find it at the bottom of the ice cream container???
I often think back to all the "soul searching" and emotional travels I have gone on. Most of which have in some way have involved food! Whether it was me comforting myself, or celebrating, or during one of my many "life changes". Secretly I was always hoping that somewhere hidden in that gorgeous little cardboard ice cream pint I may find myself.... hidden behind the caramel ribbon, or just beyond the fudgy swirl... maybe even under that mint chocolaty chip! But, to my dismay, i would reach the bottom and no "me" to be seen. Ya I felt better for the moment ~ but I am sure that it was really just a heavy cream and sugar induced hallucination.
So, why do we look at ourselves and then smother our problems in cheese sauce? Why?? Cause it feels good! But why do we have to be eating the "wrong" things in order to feel "Right"? I started, along with everything else I started, to reinvent all of my favorite recipes. All the old standbys that my kids loved, all the ooey gooey cheesy melty yummy comfort foods I love, all the everyday-only have a few minutes to get something on the table- dinner time recipes. I love going to a restaurant and being served. Ordering from the deliciously describes delicacies that only they could offer. Never having to lift a finger except to put fork to mouth, all the clean up was done by some faceless drone in the kitchen. Not by me! However, I found myself eating and eating and eating some more. Never thinking about the damage I was doing to my dress size. It was my little escape. No "mommy" duties, no "wife" chores ~ just go in, sit down, order and RELAX! All my problems melted away like the first bite melted on my tongue.
Who was I kidding. You're not going to find yourself at the bottom of an endless sundae. My problems were still problems after I left the table. Actually, they were probably going to be worse before it was all said and done. I would look at myself in the mirror later and hate myself for the weight I was packing on.
I had to find a way to face my problems head on ~ and more importantly ~ back away from the food. Obviously I'm not going to give up eating, or give up enjoying food. I just need to get the strength to stop covering up under layers of it.
Task #1: Realize that I am worth the attention it takes to feel beautiful
Task #2: Understand that my needs are just as important as everyone Else's
Task #3: Examine my strengths and weaknesses and work on both!
Task #4: Do a detailed and thorough examination of the people in my life, re-connect with the ones that are supportive and loving and DITCH the ones that are not!
Task #5: Find a way to eat and love what I am eating, with out having to hate myself when I'm done!
Some of us as women, and some as men, when we become parents lose a sense of who we are. Our priorities change and we no longer give ourselves the attention we once did. We feel guilty for taking that time for ourselves when it should go to the kids. I hear myself preaching to my friends all the time about how important it is to take time for yourself, or your marriage. That like a houseplant, it takes water and attention to grow. Well, we are like houseplants too. We need attention, and nourishment, and love to continue to grow and be healthy strong individuals. As I lose more and more weight, I am peeling away years of layers that I packed on while ignoring myself. Luckily I am finding that I do like myself. I am creative and strong willed. I am caring and generous. I have weaknesses that are fixable. I can be an amazing wife, an involved and caring Mother and still take time for myself. I am deserving of it all, and like my recipes... I may change a couple of ingredients but the end result is still as delicious as I remember it!
Here's to helping you find Your "Inner Skinny"!
So, why do we look at ourselves and then smother our problems in cheese sauce? Why?? Cause it feels good! But why do we have to be eating the "wrong" things in order to feel "Right"? I started, along with everything else I started, to reinvent all of my favorite recipes. All the old standbys that my kids loved, all the ooey gooey cheesy melty yummy comfort foods I love, all the everyday-only have a few minutes to get something on the table- dinner time recipes. I love going to a restaurant and being served. Ordering from the deliciously describes delicacies that only they could offer. Never having to lift a finger except to put fork to mouth, all the clean up was done by some faceless drone in the kitchen. Not by me! However, I found myself eating and eating and eating some more. Never thinking about the damage I was doing to my dress size. It was my little escape. No "mommy" duties, no "wife" chores ~ just go in, sit down, order and RELAX! All my problems melted away like the first bite melted on my tongue.
Who was I kidding. You're not going to find yourself at the bottom of an endless sundae. My problems were still problems after I left the table. Actually, they were probably going to be worse before it was all said and done. I would look at myself in the mirror later and hate myself for the weight I was packing on.
I had to find a way to face my problems head on ~ and more importantly ~ back away from the food. Obviously I'm not going to give up eating, or give up enjoying food. I just need to get the strength to stop covering up under layers of it.
Task #1: Realize that I am worth the attention it takes to feel beautiful
Task #2: Understand that my needs are just as important as everyone Else's
Task #3: Examine my strengths and weaknesses and work on both!
Task #4: Do a detailed and thorough examination of the people in my life, re-connect with the ones that are supportive and loving and DITCH the ones that are not!
Task #5: Find a way to eat and love what I am eating, with out having to hate myself when I'm done!
Some of us as women, and some as men, when we become parents lose a sense of who we are. Our priorities change and we no longer give ourselves the attention we once did. We feel guilty for taking that time for ourselves when it should go to the kids. I hear myself preaching to my friends all the time about how important it is to take time for yourself, or your marriage. That like a houseplant, it takes water and attention to grow. Well, we are like houseplants too. We need attention, and nourishment, and love to continue to grow and be healthy strong individuals. As I lose more and more weight, I am peeling away years of layers that I packed on while ignoring myself. Luckily I am finding that I do like myself. I am creative and strong willed. I am caring and generous. I have weaknesses that are fixable. I can be an amazing wife, an involved and caring Mother and still take time for myself. I am deserving of it all, and like my recipes... I may change a couple of ingredients but the end result is still as delicious as I remember it!
Here's to helping you find Your "Inner Skinny"!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Just over 3 months and a little over 22 pounds ago, I walked into my first weight loss meeting. I was nervous, and embarrassed. As I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time, I felt like Alice in Wonderland after drinking the shrinking potion! At least, I wish I was Alice!! I wanted to shrink into invisibility! HOW had I let my weight get so out of control! I weighed more at that moment than I had the day I gave birth to my youngest son! It had taken me about 6 months of going back and forth over joining a weight loss program again. I had tried one, the same one I am using now, a little over 5 years ago. I didn't see the results I see now. So I quit. Year after year, and pound after pound the clothing sizes got a little bigger, then a little smaller, then slowly a little bigger again. I really hadn't noticed. Food was my friend. When I was happy, when I was sad, stressed, lonely, empty, excited, nervous... whatever, it was there. It filled every emotional, and physical "hole" I had. I could step into the kitchen, grab my pots and pans, my delicious list of ingredients and create perfection! Even when I could do nothing else right in my life, my stove and trusty gadgets were there at my side. I was "Super-Chef"! My stomach and mt emotions thanked and urged me to continue. I was burying myself under layers of heavy cream, butter and Lord knows what else.
Back to my "weigh in". I sat there at that first meeting. Almost silent. Scared to death. When had I become this person? Who was I, sitting there frozen in my seat almost unable to speak or be social?? I am a talker! A loud one usually. The one that laughs too loud and hard at my own jokes, that starts a conversation with a stranger on the street if we are waiting for the cross walk sign to change. Here I sat, like a fat statue, ready to burst into tears and give up before I ever started. It was in this moment that I realized I had not just lost my previous body, I had lost my previous self! My "inner skinny" is much more than just about finding an old dress size or squeezing into an old pair of jeans... it was about finding the confidence and exuberance that I had apparently thrown in the dishwasher with all those dirty dishes and pans!
I went home and did something over the next few days that I avoided doing, I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't just look to brush my hair, or teeth or check my outfit. I looked at myself. All the lines and beginning wrinkles, the grey hairs, the fat little gobble thingy under my chin, the sadness in my eyes, the lost little smile within my lips. Wow, I had stopped a lot longer than 6 months ago. I couldn't do the one thing I hoped for doing, to look at myself and say "you are so pretty!" cause I wasn't. My husband and my best friend will argue this, because God love them, they are those people that will support you through anything. They love me when I can't love myself. My husband looks at me and only sees good, beautiful, sexy things. My best friend may see the other things but only calls me out on them when I get out of hand. They are a great support system. I have come to realize that a "support system" is the most vital tool needed when searching for your "inner skinny mommy". Without it you have lost before starting the race. I think of them now as a safety net, there if I need them, or to catch me if I fall, but I have begun to see myself in that role again.
I can be my own best friend too... just, how do I find her hiding in there?
Back to my "weigh in". I sat there at that first meeting. Almost silent. Scared to death. When had I become this person? Who was I, sitting there frozen in my seat almost unable to speak or be social?? I am a talker! A loud one usually. The one that laughs too loud and hard at my own jokes, that starts a conversation with a stranger on the street if we are waiting for the cross walk sign to change. Here I sat, like a fat statue, ready to burst into tears and give up before I ever started. It was in this moment that I realized I had not just lost my previous body, I had lost my previous self! My "inner skinny" is much more than just about finding an old dress size or squeezing into an old pair of jeans... it was about finding the confidence and exuberance that I had apparently thrown in the dishwasher with all those dirty dishes and pans!
I went home and did something over the next few days that I avoided doing, I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't just look to brush my hair, or teeth or check my outfit. I looked at myself. All the lines and beginning wrinkles, the grey hairs, the fat little gobble thingy under my chin, the sadness in my eyes, the lost little smile within my lips. Wow, I had stopped a lot longer than 6 months ago. I couldn't do the one thing I hoped for doing, to look at myself and say "you are so pretty!" cause I wasn't. My husband and my best friend will argue this, because God love them, they are those people that will support you through anything. They love me when I can't love myself. My husband looks at me and only sees good, beautiful, sexy things. My best friend may see the other things but only calls me out on them when I get out of hand. They are a great support system. I have come to realize that a "support system" is the most vital tool needed when searching for your "inner skinny mommy". Without it you have lost before starting the race. I think of them now as a safety net, there if I need them, or to catch me if I fall, but I have begun to see myself in that role again.
I can be my own best friend too... just, how do I find her hiding in there?
Monday, March 15, 2010
It starts somewhere.....
For me this journey I started began a few months ago.... looking in the mirror and not loving what I was seeing. I am a busy stay at home mom of a big blended family..2 kids from my first marriage, a step daughter from my husband's first marriage and a son from our marriage... we are always on the move!
I have met so many women lately that stand in shoes that look and feel an awful lot like mine, so I was inspired. As a form of self therapy as well as a desire to help others I plan to log my journey to find my "inner skinny mommy" and hopefully help others find theirs!
From transforming all the recipes in my arsenal ~ while trying to please 4 picky kid pallets (not to mention my husband's!), find time to do all the "mommy things" we all have to do in the day, and journal my emotional ups and downs along the way! I hope that we are all strapped in for the ride and ready to jump in with both feet!!
I have met so many women lately that stand in shoes that look and feel an awful lot like mine, so I was inspired. As a form of self therapy as well as a desire to help others I plan to log my journey to find my "inner skinny mommy" and hopefully help others find theirs!
From transforming all the recipes in my arsenal ~ while trying to please 4 picky kid pallets (not to mention my husband's!), find time to do all the "mommy things" we all have to do in the day, and journal my emotional ups and downs along the way! I hope that we are all strapped in for the ride and ready to jump in with both feet!!
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